mosh pit
by dhalpin3
Summary: This story explores Illyana's early days before she vanished only to return for the re-launched New Mutants a few days later. MAJOR REWRITE AND UPDATE.
1. Chapter 1

**Mosh Pit**

Author's note: This story explores Illyana's early days before she vanished only to return for the relaunched New Mutants a few days later. Takes place during the re-launched New Mutants (after Dani and Karma are rescued). For those who read the original Mosh Pit story this is a major update as I decided to fully flesh out the time Illyana was with the X-Men before vanishing.

Yes I appear to place lots of extra trauma upon Illyana. But in my defense I'm simply trying to make the printed story lines line up as to why she was more emotional after X-Infernus and so very much less emotional on the re-launch of the New Mutants.

Plus one has to account for various old X-men side plots that in her eyes likely would look very much like betrayal.

 **The story**

 **Part 1: Party like it's 1999**

Berto relaxed in one of the private room's black leather chairs. The beat of the techno euro funk was vibrating the ashtray that was resting on an end table next to him. It was Friday night in the city by the bay and Roberto was on the prowl. He was at the club Night Moves, a popular club with the more financially in crowd; one of the clubs he frequented. Berto had a standing right of first refusal reservation each Friday and Saturday night; expensive but heck he had the money.

Once you got past the club's front door you would find a large open area lounge/bar with various tables and semi private booths; plus five bars. This opened onto a dance floor, the ceiling of the bar/longue and dance floor was 3 stories above. Berto's private room, on the third floor, allowed him a view of the dance floor behind privacy glass (which could be opened if so desired).

The night was early (only 9:30pm) and Berto was relaxing with a Brazilian beer (Perigosa Imperial IPA). One of the reasons he liked the club was their willingness to stock over a dozen beers from Brazil (they had over five hundred different beers, fifty on tap). Berto leaned forward to eye the dance floor " _Hmm let's see what else is on tap tonight?"_ while he finished off his beer.

Berto reviewed the dancers. Mostly the usual Friday night crowd.

Ahhh. There's Cynthia, or Sinthya as she spells it. God the things that girl could do with her mouth, when she wasn't talking with it that is. Berto quickly remembered why she was not a prime pick. Defiantly puts the F in fun but can't shut up unless you shove something in her mouth. Berto fondly remembered a prior encounter (minus the chatter) of shoving something in her mouth while continuing to look over the crowd.

Beth, now that's a possibility, but she's dancing with some Asian guy and they look serious if her bump and grind is any indication. Oh well. Hmm the blond looks hot.

Berto had spied a blond woman dancing with some redheaded chick. Her back was to him but he could tell she was looker. She was wearing some kind of black leather dress that had to be painted on (wow is that tight). Hmm, potential. Let's see what the face and front look like; wonder if the rug matches the drapes? They continued to dance and as her front swung into view Berto dropped his beer bottle in surprise. It was Illyana, and yes she was hot.

 _"Damn who'd have thunk it. Wonder who the redhead is?"_ Berto mused as he continued to watch the dancing pair. After the song ended Illyana danced away from her partner and ended up paired up with some guy. Berto grabbed another beer from the ice bucket and continued to watch, all thoughts of searching out some evening entertainment temporarily shelved.

Illyana danced with an unrestrained wildness. There was a raw passion to it, giving a hint of what a more intimate encounter could be like.

One dance, that was it for most of them. Illyana switched partners after almost every song. Almost never a repeated partner although some would definitely try; both men and woman. After an hour Berto thought he had cracked the dance filter as it were. Never a big muscular guy, although they tried, and never a blond female, although they tried as well.

Currently Illyana was dancing with a brunet haired woman. She was shorter then Illyana and a bit thinish. Wow, made it to the third song, she's the first one. Hmm the brunet reminded him of somebody. Before Berto could recall who he was reminded of, a rather large muscular guy attempted to cut in on the dance.

Illyana disregarded him with a curt gesture and continued to dance with her current partner. _"Not going to happen dude"_ Berto thought with a chuckle. _"You are not making it pass the filter"._ Mister big and beefy apparently decided that No was not the answer he was looking for and attempted to overrule Illyana's dance partner choice.

Berto surged to his feet as he watched the dude (now transformed into a thug in Berto's mind) push away Illyana's dance partner and forcible grab Illyana while backhanding her; the crowded dance floor suddenly making a space around the trio. Before Berto could take a step he felt a thought intrude, or in this case a spell.

 _"Ignore us"_ was the gist of the message. In this case the crowd went back to dancing, but for some reason Berto was excluded from the spell (Author's note: You don't want your teammates caught up in group spells. Think of it as a default spell casting parameter. You might still use the default settings even if your teammates are not around; or you think that they are not around). Berto could see the white of her smile from were he stood.

The dance floor lights were flashing in strobe mode. One flash the bruiser was there, the next flash he was gone.

 _"Bastard deserved it but not good. Not good at all"._ Berto thought as Illyana helped her dance partner up from the ground and resumed dancing. He hoped that Illyana had just ported him to Limbo and had not disintegrated him or something. Not that Limbo was safe. Oh no, not safe at all. Only as safe as its ruler wanted it to be for somebody; assuming that said ruler was paying attention which in this case appeared to be a definite no.

The song ended and Illyana apparently decided to leave the dance floor with her dance partner. They passed out of view from Berto as they drifted off into some another part of the club. Then just as the next song began, the lights still strobeing, the creep was back. He looked... tattered. His clothing torn, worn out, and befouled. It looked like he had lost 30 pounds and he had a wild terrified hunted look in his eyes. He wildly spun around the room and then fell to his knees crying; all the while the dancers just danced around him.

 _"Well shit, serves him right"_ Berto thought. _"Damn, amazing what just a few days can apparently do. Although to be honest it wasn't really a few days"._ Roberto remembered the briefing he and Sam had gotten from Scott just over a week ago.

 **REFLECTION**

Roberto and Sam were sitting in a conference room with Scott, Emma, Logan, and Hank (Beast), and Kurt (Nightcrawler).

Scott started the meeting. _"I'd like to thank you two for agreeing to work with Illyana under such circumstances. We believe she needs contact, immersion with people. Friends. Family. And their in short supply at the moment"._

Sam injected, " _No thanks needed, she was our teammate, one of us"._

Scott continued, " _I know, but thanks none the less. To summarize, Illyana died or vanished at the end of Inferno. A younger Illyana emerged from that only to later die. That was years ago. Then recently Belasco resurrected Illyana, apparently from the point at which she ended Inferno. She subsequently killed him, but before that she captured and tortured a group of our students. We don't think she was in her right mind at that time. Afterwards she kicked everybody out of Limbo and sealed it tight after meeting her brother"._

 _"She returned just hours ago after her soul sword was pulled from Kurt where apparently Amanda had hidden it. This was detected by Illyana and she seized the sword from Megan after assaulting and defeating everybody who stood in her way. Touching the sword apparently transformed her into her human form and we hope her former mental patterns as well. After a battle in Limbo with Lady Witchfire, where Witchfire stole another soul gem from Megan, Illyana returned everybody from Limbo and was convinced to stay"._

 _"Many of our younger members either have direct unpleasantness experiences with Illyana or their friends suffered at her hands. Only a few people here actually have any friendship history with Illyana and you two, plus her brother, Kurt, and Logan are currently it as Dani and Karma are out of contact and Kitty is... well Kitty is MIA"._

Emma continued the briefing. _"Her mental state is unknown. Her mental shields are as strong as even. I'd have a better chance breaching Hover dam by throwing marshmallows at it then piercing her shields. Although it's possible that the Cuckoos_ _hive mind might be able to actually find a bearing in there; I'll have the girls take a look. Back to the main point, she is in turmoil right now. The recovery of her missing soul sword has likely completely disrupted her mindscape. We have an opportunity, a window has opened as it were, to help her acclimate and identify with the human rather then the demon side of her nature. Her experiences in Limbo are mostly unknown, but we have it on good authority"_ She gave a sideways glance at Logan, _"That as much trauma as she has caused people, her own trauma may vastly exceed theirs; partial explaining her disturbed state"._

 _"The goal is to try to have at least one of you with her at all times, preferable two. Logan, Kurt, Sam, Roberto, and Peter will switch off. Careful forensic examination of the memories of these who encountered her offer us hope for her rehabilitation. She was apparently briefly knocked somewhat senseless during the original encounter and started asking for her friends, her brother, and Kitty. Which brings us to the topic of Kitty. It is the consensus of this group",_ again another sideways glance at Logan " _That Kitty is off limits for the next few days. Do not discuss Kitty. Do not mention what happened to her. Simple defer any such questions for the next few days. Simply say that she is away and we are attempting to contact her"._

 _"Currently Peter and Illyana are at the gazebo by the pond. Kurt has just come from there. Kurt any additional observations or insights"?_

Kurt sighed. _"Yes and it's not good. Peter, Illyana and I were sitting on the benches by the pond throwing some breadcrumbs in for the Koi to eat. Peter kept hugging her and she finally asked that he refrain. Quote: She doesn't like to be touched, brings back bad memories. I could see her tense up every time she was touched. In an attempt to lighten the mood I bamf'd off to get some ice cream shakes. I returned and gave her a strawberry shake. She tried it and started to cry. Started mumbling about how she had become so certain that the nightmares had to have been lies. False promises. Just additional ways for him to torture her. That having violated everything else he had amused himself by raping her memories as well. That nothing could actually taste so good. Then she started looking around like she expected something to happen, after a few more sips on the straw she whispered that this must not be a dream because this was when it would always turn to shit and the screaming would start. Not good my friends. Not good. Peter did not take it well"._

 _Emma finished the briefing. "The rules are simple. No Kitty. Minimize touching. Talk with her but don't pry, let her do the talking. And_ _ **NO**_ _sexual contact. Don't get angry with me Roberto, the comment was not aimed at you; well mostly not aimed at you. Abuse victims have different coping mechanisms. There is no telling what... outlets she may have developed to deal with issues. For many those outlets can be variants of the abuse and can be self reinforcing. We need to gently integrate her, otherwise the stimuli may be too much"._

Sam injected. _"Sounds like a Holocaust victim. Like when they rescued the survivors from the Nazi camps. It was found that they couldn't really eat real food any more. Too rich. Many camp survivors promptly died after eating a full meal because their bodies couldn't take it. Took time for their bodies to adjust"._

Emma looked thoughtful for a few seconds. _"Good analogy and even more scary. We don't know how mentally fragile she is. What we do know is how lethal she can be. Give her space. Give her room. Help her adjust"._

The room emptied out. Just Logan, Scott, and Emma remained. The conference room door was still open and Roberto hung back out of sight. He heard Logan grumble _"I still think you're both wrong about Kitty. Kid need a purpose, a reason to be better then what she's regressed into, made into. Kitty's that reason, and our best hope for both her and Kitty"._

Scott frowned as he replied. _"I agree that she's Kitty's best hope. Her abilities over time and space should allow her to either locate that bullet, or allow her to go back in time and rescue Kitty after the bullet passed thought the earth. But I'll have to defer to Emma and Hank's medical belief that she needs some acclimation time"._

Emma stood up to leave. _"Hank and I both agree that she's a walking trauma. Having regained a sliver of soul as it were, whatever that really means, is bound to trigger ethical and moral dilemmas over her prior actions. She, and we, need a few days to try to determine just what and who we're really dealing with"._

 **END REFLECTION**

Berto no longer felt in the mood for the hunt. He slouched back in the chair and grabbed another beer and mused upon his childhood interactions with Illyana all those years ago, and how he had treated her before she died. He had mostly not been kind.

Yea she had been scary, scary and beautiful and ruthless, but the scary part always ended up winning most of the time with him. He could have tried harder, made more of an effort. But he had let his fears of her lead him more then he should have.

 _"I'll try to do better this time Illyana"._ He promised himself. _"But damn she's still scary"._


	2. Chapter 2

**Day 1**

 **Part 2: By the pond**

Illyana and Peter are sitting on a bench by the Koi pond that is on the X-Campus. Illyana is still wearing her armor.

 _"Sister, how did you come to be? How did you return? I've heard what Blindfold said of your summoning but that is all the details that we had"._

Illyana answered as she took another slip of her strawberry shake, " _Who is? Oh, she was the blind precog I met when I... when I hurt the various students I had stolen away from Belasco when they tried to stop me from creating a blood stone from Megan's soul"._

A soft whisper _"When I soul raped her"._

Peter brushed aside Illyana's statement " _You were not yourself then"._

Illyana was not so quick to dismiss her actions _"I am not myself now brother. I am... not as I once was. As she was. I... lack many of the things that made her well her. A soul for one. You don't really know what I am Piotr, and what I know of myself I detest. Please do not be so quick to forgive the harms that were not done to you"._

 _"You are my sister, that is what I know. All that I need to know"._ Peter stated with that Russian kind of finality.

Illyana had an odd expression on her face, like the one you get if you taste something and are not sure if it has gone slightly bad. Like things were already beginning to fall apart; just like she had always feared. _"A topic for later then. What do you know of my... return as it were"._

 _"Belasco summoned you somehow and you appeared in a form he disliked. He apparently cast you out into the wilds of Limbo and a day later did his grand summoning that sucked the X-Men and the students into limbo. The students said that you apparently detected his grand summoning spell and diverted some of the students away from him. The rest, well the rest is known"._

Illyana was silent in thought for a few moments. _"A day for everybody else, but quite a bit longer for me. Yes he caste me out. I ended up hiding in a part of Limbo where time ran faster. I was... not myself, much less then I am now. I hid for a period of time I can no longer recall. Over time I gradually recovered some parts of myself, the parts that were left. I could not really recall what I had been before and did not have any true understanding of my memories. I felt the summoning that Belasco was creating and created a plan to foil his goals and hopefully grant me the power to end him"._

Illyana sighed. _"Well that worked but that plan was as flawed as I. I did things that... that are not forgivable and I wasn't going to stop doing them. Wasn't until you called me by my nickname. You called me out of the darkness that I had fully become. I had... mostly forgotten that you had ever existed, much less that you had died but then somehow were alive just before she... I killed myself in despair over what I had become in Inferno"._

Peter started to protest, _"Sister you did not kill yourself, you saved..."._

 _"Yes Piotr I did, or to be more correct she did. The solution was so convenient. Just erase myself from ever having existed. So many problems solved. Well that didn't work quite as well as planned. He, Belasco summoned me into existence, but the spell was the wrong one. He thought she yet lived. I don't know the summoning he used, several spells come to mind, all with horrendous consequences for summoning someone who does not actually exist"._

Illyana continued _"You lived. And then I really remembered what I had once been. I was... not pleased to find myself as I was. I hated myself before, but now... now I was truly the horror she had always feared she would become, had in fact become. I did the only thing I knew how to do, kick you all out of Limbo. I was so... am so ashamed to be me"._

Peter again protested, _"Sister you have nothing to be ashamed of. All those things you did_

 _you did..."._

 _"Piotr please, yes I do. Many many things. Some from before, some... some from after._

 _It just is. Please accept that"._

Peter wanted to protest, proclaim that she was wrong. That it was now all better, she was better. It was the past. She needed to see that. Well... he let it go for now.

 _"Brother. How is it you live again? You died in Dallas"._

 _"Ut-oh",_ Peter thought.

A major source of Peter's anger about other's reaction to and opinions about Illyana was centered around his own deep feelings of guilt and failure.

Illyana had thought him dead. Illyana, he had learned, had went partially mad with grief and had done things to herself and others that ultimately ended in Inferno; and both her death and the return of his little snowflake in that a version of Illyana had emerged from Inferno who had somehow returned to being seven years old. A version of Illyana, but not the Illyana who had died, she had no memories of what Illyana had experienced. A more innocent version of Illyana, one who later died of the legacy virus. Now another version of Illyana had emerged from Limbo. An older and definitely not innocent version. One who apparently was a continuation of the original Illyana.

 _"I did not actually die in Dallas. Yes our essence was used to seal the breach, but then afterwards we were extracted. The world thought us dead and we decided to take advantage of this to work in secret. In hindsight not the best of plans. Da"?_

Peter continued. " _We found a younger you trapped in the armor of your body. She was innocent, returned to being seven years old. I was so happy that my original snowflake was returned to me. Cleansed of all that harm that had been done to her. I loved her dearly. She later died years ago of a disease, that was wiping out mutants, called the legacy virus"._

Illyana just looked at him. Her face expressionless, her body tense.

 _"Illyana? Snowflake"?_

Illyana stirred but did not relax. _"No. Not the best of plans"._

She was upset, Peter could tell.

 _"Peter I'd like to be alone for a bit if you don't mind. I need some time to... comprehend some things. I promise not to vanish"._

 _"Da sister, I understand. I'm... so sorry. I had no idea what you were going through at the time"._

 _"Thank you brother, now please I need some time alone"._

Peter had a hopeful tone. _"Da. I will return with tea in half an hour"?_

 _"Please an hour if you would, and please tell others to stay away"._

 _"Da"._ Peter got up to leave, but first gave Illyana a hug.

Her body was rock hard with tension, she returned the hug after a few seconds.

Peter walked slowly away towards the building where the others were holding their meeting. He glanced back towards Illyana where she was sitting on the bench. Her back was turned to him. He could see that she was hugging herself, rocking back and forth and trembling. He suspected she was crying.

Peter met the others coming out of the building and explained what had happened

and Illyana's request. Logan ended up wearily rubbing his eyes. _"Well crap Petie. I can tell from here that your little story is not going down well"._

 **Part 3: By the pond, an hour later**

An hour later Illyana was enjoying a cup of hot Russian tea with Peter, Sam, and Roberto. Well... she looked like she was enjoying the tea.

The bay area fog was streaming over the hills. The pond area now in shadow as the sun had hidden itself behind the hills. Mark Twain had once said the coldest winter he had ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. The chilled air had, as always, made everybody bungle up a bit. Everybody except Illyana as she was still half covered in her armor and half... well uncovered by it.

 _"Illyana you must be cold, here take my jacket"_ Berto commented. as he offered his jacket.

Illyana frowned in slight confusion. _"No, I don't get cold. At least not in such simple weather. But I suppose some actual clothing is in order"._

She seemed to shiver and the armor faded away to be replaced by a simple tee shirt of a band five years out of a vogue and a faded pair of jeans.

Berto was still insistent _"You used to get cold. Please take my jacket"._

Illyana acquiesced to wearing the bombardier style jacket from Berto while replying " _Ok, but she never really did get cold. That was pretend, to make people be more at ease with her. She always felt left out and believed if she showed more weaknesses that her friends would not be so scared of her all the time"._

There was an embarrassed silence.

 _"Oh, I did it again. Sorry. My memories are rather divided into before and after. I have... identity problems dealing with older memories. They sometimes are more like a book or movie and less like actual experiences which tends to make me call... well me her"._

Sam quietly stated _"We warn't always scared and some of us were less scared then others. And some more so I guess"._

Illyana put down her cup, _"It just was. Funny, how things are not really different now but now... well now there are lot's more reasons to be afraid"._

Illyana hung her head. _"This really isn't a good idea. I'm... not good for people"._

Berto offered up a surprising good piece of advice _"If we don't try to change then we never do"._

Illyana picked back up her cup and took a sip of tea. _"This coming from the guy who spent most of his time either avoiding me or being spiteful and sarcastic. Sam I can understand being concerned but you Berto? You really didn't like me so why the concern now"?_

Berto was honest, _"Because I feel bad about what happened to you. I was quite the jerk about some things that I've subsequently done myself. Things are a bit less black and white now for me. You scared the crap out of me back then and I... I don't like it when I feel that way"._

 _"Hmmm"_ Illyana gave both Sam and Berto an appraising look. _"Well looks like you two are all grown up now, apparently in more ways then one. Looking good I might add"._

 _"You're looking rather fine yourself Illyana"_ Berto replied, which earned him a dark look from Peter (Great, the brother is already getting possessive thought Berto, it was a just an innocent comment).

Sam decided that now as a good time to mention the lab tests. _"If you don't mind Illyana Hank would like to run some tests"._

 _"Hank"?_

 _"Hank McCoy, you know, nickname the Beast"._

 _"Oh yea. Sure. Why not. What's some needles after... after all that's happened"._

 **Part 4: Lab (a)**

Hank McCoy was briefly explaining to Illyana what the plan was. _"If you don't mind Illyana I've scheduled some labs for you over the next few days. They will be cumulative in that subsequent labs will in part build upon the prior lab results"._

" _Ok, Dr. McCoy"_ Illyana replied while looking about the lab from the examination others were banished from the lab during the examinations. No need to make this a circus was Hank's curt statement as he ejected the others from the lab. They were hanging out in the adjacent observation lounge. Currently the windows let them see what was going on but the sound dampeners prevented them from hearing what took place. Hank was a big believer in Patient confidentiality.

" _Hank, call me Hank"_ was Hanks smiling reply. He walked over to Illyana with a tongue depressor. _"Now open wide and say ahhhh"_. He didn't really need to examine her tonsils but he always found this to be a bit of an opener and helped set the Doctor/Patient relationship.

For the next ten minutes he proceeded to examine her mouth, ears, listen to her heart and lungs, examined her eyes and gave her a quick eye tests (Hmm 20/10 vision), drew blood, and of course a detailed bio scan from the various equipment scattered about the lab and built into the chair.

" _There, all done for now. Tomorrow I'll likely have some more detailed tests and some physiological examines as well"._

In the absence of the others Illyana now was very withdrawn, not that she had been outgoing when she had come in. Quiet. Not the good contemplative quiet, rather the quiet of fear, of distress. The quiet of if I move I'll break something. Hank noticed she was unconsciously wringing her hands.

" _It's going to be OK Illyana"_ Hank said gently. _"It's confusing, bright, loud, scary. I know. I've been there and so have others. It gets better over time"._

Illyana put on a smile that looked as hollow and false as she felt. _"Thank you Dr. McC… Hank. I hope so. Everything is… different. It… hurts to be here"._

Hank played dumb, a crucial aspect of mental and emotional therapy is to have the patient not the doctor speak and describe. _"Hurts? As in pain? Physical injuries"?_

Illyana got out of the chair _"No nothing physical, those are healed for the moment. Getting gutted alive is so not fun"._ Hank was intrigued, the physical scans showed no aftereffects of such an injury, apparently her magical healing abilities that were on the scale of Logan's. They still had no real idea what had happened to her after she returned to limbo upon retrieving her soul sword from Megan and being freed by Kurt, this was a new and not good tidbit of info.

" _No it's… well it's hard to describe. It's like I'm black and white in a color world. I feel skinned alive and existence is a salt water bath. Being around all of you just continually reminds me and shows me what is missing and that void hurts so bad. You... and everybody else are... well are. Where as I'm... I'm not. It's a soul thing, really hard to explain if you lack the eyes to see it"._

Hank escorted her to the lab's exit, the others were waiting outside. _"I know it sounds trite, but give it time"._

 **Part 5: Late night meeting (a)**

Hank, Emma, Scott, Logan, Sam, and Kurt are in the conference room. Peter and Roberto are with Illyana by the Koi pond. Various medical charts are displayed on the walls, current lab results and comparisons to the archived Illyana medical data back from her New Mutant days; before she died. Hank was finishing up the presentation of initial medical tests.

" _So, as you can see the preliminary tests match up. Blood type and DNA scans match perfectly from the historical and current data. Normally I'd extract a micro bone sample to examine the grown rings to attempt to correlate her age but, just as with Logan, I suspect such data will be of little value. What differs is the brain scans. We need to run a bunch more tests but what little I've been able to determine from such minimal examinations appears to be a topic of concern. Tomorrow I plan to have a more in depth brain scans while undergoing some physiological questions but here is a historical Illyana brain scan while at rest"._

Hank now projects a brain scan image showing a blue brain with some scattered red and green zones.

" _This compares quite favorable with a normal brain at rest, the blue areas show low levels of activity while green and red show higher levels of activity"._

Hank now displays a second brain scan next to the first scan. It is mostly red, with only some regions being blue.

" _Here is her current scan from the lab when I left her alone for a few minutes. Now it was not a true at rest state so we would expect a higher level of activity, but nothing like this. This corresponds highly with her statement about feeling different"._

Emma's eyes narrowed. _"Disturbing and interesting. The emotional centers are one of the few areas in blue, one would have thought that it would have been red. Possible indicator of extreme detachment or shock"._

Hank continued. _"I hypothesize that her brain may be having difficulty handling and processing sensory data from our existence or dimension. An analogy would be that she was in some kind sensory desert or dead zone and now she's immersed in sensation"._

Emma injected with some concern. _"Hank you do know what that also looks like"._

Hank sighed. _"Knew you'd see it Emma. Yes, precursory epileptic fit. Massive neuron firing until an over stimulated brain short circuit as it were and the neuron firing sequence goes chaotic. Another interpretation is that her brain no longer has preferred neuron firing pathways and is searching for a new general layout on processing and examining incoming stimuli"._

 _"I assume you asked her if she's been having headaches or convulsions"_ Emma stated as she continued to examine the red brain scan.

 _"Yes and the answer was, I quote: Headaches yes, no convulsions that she can remember for the last few months. Considering how time passes in Limbo we must look at this with answer with concern"._

" _Where is she now"_ Scott inquired.

" _Still by the Koi pond"_ Kurt replied. _"She finds it peaceful. A room has been made available to her but she doesn't feel sleepy and doesn't want to be confined. Said something about wanting to watch the stars and the moon. I suspect it will be a long night for our friend Peter"._

" _Any additional conclusions or findings anyone"_ Scott asked the group.

" _Peties managed to both reaffirm and partially isolate himself at the same time"_ Login stated. _"Our fault really, we should have remembered that she thought him dead. Learning the details as to why he was not dead was going to hurt whenever she learned it, but now was an especially bad time. Kids screaming inside, can feel it whenever I get close"._

" _Is she really child after all that she's been though and done"_ Emma rebutted.

" _Kid wants to be, but probably doesn't think it's possible. We need to reach her before she convinces herself that she's not"._

" _How… observant of you Logan"_ Emma replied with a contemplative look.


	3. Chapter 3

**Day 2**

 **Part 6: Lab (b)**

" _Ok Illyana I want you to watch the screen and press the button in your right hand if you like the photo. Press the button in your left hand if you dislike the photo. Don't press any button if the photo has no impact. The photos will cycle to a new photo every five seconds if you don't press a button"._

Hank was conducting a series of mental and physiological tests while conducting brain scans. The tests were meant to examine mental state, impulse decision making process, and emotional reactions. The tests had started in the morning and had taken several hours.

Before this series of tests Hank had briefly explored Illyana's ability, or tendency, it depended on your point of view, to phase between apparently human baseline physiology and variations of her demonic Darkchilde embodiment. This had started when she suddenly expressed horns after she sat down in the examination chair. She had been mortified when Hank inquired about them, she had not noticed that they had appeared.

" _They came and went a few times last night"_ was her statement in answer to Hank's inquiry as to their frequency. Hank conducted detailed bio monitoring while he had her suppress and then express the horns. Emotional state appeared to be in part a trigger for the grown of the horns.

Illyana was… distressed by the horns. More so in that she was now having problems making them go away again. Hank was astute enough not to suggest that Illyana demonstrate more extreme physical manifestations such as the goat hooves or devil tail.

Roberto was waiting in the observation lounge , he was her current minder while her brother was taking a quick nap. Hank was gathering a sizeable quantity of data. Her brain scans still showed red regardless of the situation, heck under mental exercises they were even more red.

Hank started thinking about recommended a sedative. Hmm, she appears stable. Hank decided to hold of talking to her about the sedative until the next lab visit (scheduled for late that afternoon).

 **Part 7: Bad Trip**

Roberto and Illyana were walking in the corridors. Illyana was returning from the morning lab to Hank's laboratory where he hand continued to poke and prod at her while muttering various _"I see"_ and _"Hmm";_ all the while revealing nothing. They were off to meet Sam in the commons eating area (early lunch). Conversation was stilted to mostly Roberto talking and Illyana answering in mono syllables, when she answered that is.

Currently the horns were back on Illyana's head. The horns kept coming and going. Roberto could tell Illyana was rather distressed about the horns. In the lab Hank had asked her to manifest and unmanifest the horns; which she had done. It was easy to manifest the horns according to Illyana, all she had to do was to stop trying to not manifest the horns. Making the horns go away was harder. She had to be... well calmer was how she put it. Her control over this form was still haphazard and she kept slightly regressing to variations of her Darkchilde physical incarnation.

Roberto was desperately trying to come up with something to talk about. Hmm football (he meant soccer not American football)? No. Sports? No. Clubbing? Double No. TV? Hmm somehow don't think she was interested. Hiking? Yes hiking! Let's suggest we all go for a hike at one of the Bay's little islands or out to the Point Rayes lighthouse.

That's it! We could also stop off at that little town Inverness as it's on the way and eat at the Great Whale Pizza parlor. They have a fantastic garlic pizza and Illyana had always loved pizza. Roberto was feeling pleased with himself and his good idea as the duo silently rounded a corner and bumped into Megan and Victor.

Megan had been crying on Victor's shoulder and they were making their way to their rooms to grab some swim gear (Megan was going to teleport them to the beach).

Illyana and Megan had both cut sharply around the corner and bumped into each other. They both stood and stared at each other in momentary shock for a second before Megan flew into a rage. She started screaming about her soul and clawing at Illyana's face while dusting everybody around her with copious quantities of hallucinogenic dust.

 _"You bitch! You stole part of my soul! Give it back! Damn you! You're nothing but a rapist! You've no better then a child rapist!_ _ **BITCH**_ _"!_

The dust caused different effects upon the recipients. Victor dropped like a sack of rocks and curled into a ball while grabbing his right arm. Apparently he was having a flash back to when his arm had been cut off. A warm fecal smell wafted into the corridor as he lost control of his bowels.

Roberto now saw everybody dressed in playboy bunny waitress costumes, including himself, complete with bunny ears. Cute for the girls, not so cute for the guys. Double not cute for Victor.

Illyana had just been blocking Megan's hands but she had frozen at the child rapist statement. Megan clawed bleeding rows down Illyana's face with her nails but suddenly realized that a frontal attack on her own personal demon was not wise.

 _"Oh crap! she'll kill us all"._ Megan uttered a panicky _"Sihal Novarum Chinoth"_ and both she and Victor vanished.

 _"Well shit"_ Roberto angrily stated the obvious. He had not been aware that Megan had returned. It went without saying that keeping Megan and Illyana apart ranked high on the list of good ideas. " _Illyana I'm sorry I did not..."_ Roberto trailed off. Illyana was not paying attention. Roberto waved his hand in front of her face, nothing. She just stared ahead frozen, pupils fully dilated and shivering, blood dripping off her face.

Roberto pulled his cell phone from his pocket and speed dialed Henry. As he hurriedly described what had happened Illyana apparently came out of her stupor. There was a flash of light and now Illyana was gone as well.

 _"Double Shit"!_ Roberto continued to relay what was happening to Hank as he ran to the commons to get Sam, and then the others. After a frantic half hour of searching Illyana was finally located at the Koi pound (she had apparently just appeared there). She was just staring into the water with a look of hopelessness. As her brother approached she clearly stated _"Please stay away. All of you. I'm... not... in a good place right now"_.

Peter disregarded her request and approached closer " _Sister I think..."._

In a flash she was on the other side of the Koi pond. Now her expression was angry, _"I said stay away"._ With another flash she was gone.

 **Part 8: City By The Bay**

Several hours later:

Illyana was dangling her legs over the edge of the platform. The platform being the highest part of the north Gold Gate Bride tower. She was looking in the direction of the city and admiring the view. Ok, not really. She was telling herself that she was admiring the view when in reality her main thought sequence was one of black despair. She had picked the location for its defensible attributes, rather then aesthetics, because it was rather difficult to sneak up on her. The view really meant nothing to her but it was a nice excuse for the location. Sounded more human.

Illyana tried to make sense of what she was feeling, or in fact not feeling.

 _"Something is really really wrong with me. I don't feel much of anything, apart from rage, hate, or self hatred. Rage is working just fine. Ditto on the hate. Other things... not so well. I hope, pray if I could, that it's the lack of a soul"._

Whatever little Pixie had done had really caused some problems. First there had been... remembrances. Very unpleasant remembrances. Then there had been shock and enhanced self loathing, like she really needed more reasons to hate herself. Then rage. Lash out, had to lash out. Needed to find a more appropriate target for the rage. Then... well the release of that rage upon some deserving targets after locating them. Finally despair as she stood over what was left of the bodies and wondered who was the greater monster? She was pretty sure what the answer was, but was not absolutely certain.

Illyana thought _"Well I suppose I should let them know where I am. Assuming they care"_ as she took down the obscurement spell that blocked any attempt to locate her.

Back at the X-Base:

Emma relayed via telepathy that Illyana had started showing up on Cerebro scans. _"She's at the top of the golden gate bridge. She just appeared there in the scans. Don't know if she was someplace else or just stopped blocking. If it was blocking then I'd really like to know how she does it"._

Peter was currently in one of the gyms, in human form, systematically demolishing a punching bag while Logan stood by, yes Logan was drinking a beer. Sam and Roberto were hanging out at the Koi pond in case Illyana came back. Kurt was with Scott in Scott's office.

Scott thought on the Emma telepathy party line _, "Kurt go, but approach with caution. I assume her choice of local indicates a preference for your presence and rather hinders most others from quickly approaching_ ".

Peter chimed in _"No! Not alone! Kurt take me with you as well"._

 _Scott: "Overruled. Peter go back to the Koi pond. Kurt bring Illyana back to the Koi pond if you can convince her to return. I think she does want to return otherwise she wouldn't be back. Logan... hell I don't know. Go do something Loganish, drink a beer or stab something"._

Kurt vanished in a puff of bamf smoke.

Meanwhile at the golden gate the fog was rolling in. The bridge road was lost in fog but the towers pieced the fog into the daylight, illuminated by the late day sun. A cold breeze was blowing in with the fog and various fog horns could be heard. Illyana was still sitting at the highest point of the north tower, on the platform that sits over the cable and contains the navigational warning lights. She was watching the fog rolling in.

After a few quick bamfs Kurt was at the bottom of the north tower. He then bamf'd to the bottom of the main cable and then bamf'd up the cable to within 50 feet of Illyana and there he stopped. He could see Illyana sitting on the top platform, her legs dangling over the side. Her goat legs. She was in full Darkchilde physical incarnation. Horns, tail, goat legs and hooves and that scantly clad chainmail G-string and stockings look she had been wearing in Limbo. She also looked rather lacerated and bruised.

 _"Illyana may I approach"?_

 _"Hello Kurt. I was wondering when you'd show up, or if you would show up. Yea walk or bamf up. I don't mind which"._

Kurt decided to walk the remaining distance. This gave him time to examine Illyana and to judge the situation. He spoke as he walked up the cable. _"I'm sorry if we distressed Liebchen. Um... Illyana you're injured. What happened"?_ Kurt reached Illyana and sat down on the platform, roughly 5 feet away from her.

 _"I happened"._

 _"I don't mean to pry, but do you mean you did this to yourself or..."._

 _"No Kurt. I'm not a cutter. I don't cut myself"._

Illyana held up a bleeding left hand for closer examination. _"I had to... get away. I was going to hurt somebody. I needed to hurt somebody. I don't know what Megan did to me but... Shards. Excuse me for a second"._

Illyana closed her eyes and a silver pentagram of silver fire sprung up beneath her. White fire outlined her body and the hurts burned away in a matter of seconds, as well as the Darkchilde form, leaving her human but wearing her silver armor again.

 _"Handy trick"_ Kurt commented. _"Emma are you there?"_ he thought. Nothing. Guess this was going to be a private conversation.

 _"I really only know how to heal myself. Healing other tends to result in... complications. Trust me when I say the cure is worse than the disease if I'm involved"._

The both sat there for a while and watched the fog roll in.

 _"What happened back there Illyana? Why'd you run"?_

Illyana brought up her legs and wrapped her arms around her knees.

 _"Memories and deeds. Little Pixie hit it right on the head. Child rapist. One dislikes being reminded that they've become the very thing they hate oh so very much. Plus whatever she hit me with caused me to briefly flashback on a snippet of a rather unpleasant false memory, one Belasco inflicted upon me when he was... punishing me for not being the right me"._

 _"Let me guess, it involved touching"._

 _"Yea. Touching"._

Illyana was silent. Kurt remembered Emma's advice, let her talk. After a long delay Illyana continued.

 _Bastard wasn't happy just doing the deeds himself. Oh no. Had to have almost all the men I knew in my life join in on the fun as well. Left out the woman for some reason, likely because he always thought of woman as possessions. Minor oversight on his part I guess"._

 _"Mein Gott! Illyana I'm so sorry"._ Kurt thought upon the statement, _"Oh God, does that mean Peter..."._

 _"Yea. Peter as well. Staring role in fact. Funny, he left you out for some reason. Likely felt you were too demony for the proper impact"._

Kurt was stunned. The level of such evil. He had no words to say.

 _"So I needed space. Time. Had to clear my head. I know that the memory is false but the flashback was bad. Hmm, flashback. She got all dusty so I assume she can produce some substance with properties; have to protect against that in the future"._

 _"And your injuries"?_

 _"Needed to hurt somebody. I was going to lash out so I found a deserving target. Located a Kiss of vampires in the city. They had some appetites that I have extra issues with"._

 _"Had"?_

 _"Had"._ The certainly left Kurt troubled.

Kurt sat silent for a while searching for something to say. After a long moment he asked, _"So now what? What do you want Illyana? In all this hectic confusion I don't think anybody has bothered to ask what you want"._

 _"I want to not be me"._

Kurt gave a bitter chuckle _. "An emotion I can readily understand although not to your depths of suffering. How many times I wished my form was not the one I wear. To always be viewed in fear by so many people"._

 _"The outer you scares some people Kurt. Not the inner you. Blood and horror do not walk in your footsteps"._

 _"I hesitate to suggest this Illyana, but might Emma or some of the other telepaths help you with some of your issues? Help to mitigate the trauma? Emma helped the New Mutants once before on dealing with such trauma"._

 _"Didn't go very well for her last time. I somehow don't think Mrs. Frost would like a repeat of that, even if I even for even one second were to contemplate letting a telepath take my choices away again"._

Kurt had a mildly confused expression. _"Emma did not mention any personal trauma from helping you last time. I take it things are not as they are remembered"?_

Illyana gave a tired chuckle that lacked any humor, _"No, well I suppose they went fine for the others but there were... difficulties involving my treatment. Mrs. Frost doesn't remember what really happened... to her"._

 _"Not good"?_

 _"No, not good at all"._

Kurt contemplated this new tidbit of information for a while before continuing the conversation. _"So now what"?_

Illyana nibbled her lower lip in indecision. _"I don't know. I pick wrong. I always pick wrong. What ever door I open it's the wrong door. No mater how hard I try it's always wrong, despite how correct the decisions looks. Don't stay with you guys ,everything will turn to shit. Stay with you guys, everything will turn to shit. No matter what I do harm results"._

 _"It doesn't have to be that way Illyana"._

 _"No? Kurt most of your facility is filled with people I've either directly harmed or are friends with those I've harmed. They hate me. For good reasons I might add. I was... unkind to many of them. And some of them were greatly harmed"._

 _"Like Megan"?_

 _"Like Megan"._

Kurt decided to go after one of the elephants in the room. _"Are you sorry"?_

 _"Yes. And yet partially no. It's complicated. I climbed over bodies to escape a personnel hell only to find a greater hell. I was not as I am now"._

Illyana wanted to open up wanted to address her fears:

Am I Illyana pulled from Inferno?

Am I a reincarnated Illyana?

Or am I just the residue, the shit as it were that was left after she escaped this mortal existence. All that was bad in her I am.

I fear I'm just a summoning that failed. I just don't know what summoning.

I fear I'm a fake, I'm not her, not her. And that fear both haunts and hunts me.

But she couldn' hid her fears, just like any demon would. All demons hid their fears. So do most people, especially very scared people; but she had forgotten that.

Kurt offered his hand to Illyana, _"Please come back Illyana. Some of us really do want to help you. Please come home"._

Illyana eyed his hand. Choice. Where would it lead? Salvation? Damnation? Or was choice an illusion for her? Was the outcome fixed regardless of choice?

Illyana took Kurt's hand. _"I'll come, but it's not my home"._

Kurt tried to be upbeat, _"No yet"._

 **Part 9: More lab work (c)**

 _"How did you feel when you first were considered a monster"?_

Hank looked up from his monitor where he was reviewing various lab results. He mildly disagreed _"I'm not a monster"._

Illyana replied from the examination chair _"Never said you were. How did it feel"?_

Hank thought upon her question. " _Angry. At myself and others. Sad in that so much of what we think and believe about another is based upon physical impressions. Realization that how we look can and does matter more then what we do"._

Hank decided to ask a leading question as Illyana was the one who opened up this topic of conversation. _"And you"?_

 _"Before or after"?_

Hank pushed his glasses slight back up the bridge of this nose _" Before or after what"?_

 _"Before death or after return"._

 _"Umm, both I guess"._

 _"Well before was mostly when the New Mutants discovered I was a sorceress. Went from being the quiet odd blond to spawn of Satan. Very angry. If I had a penny for every time Rahne called me a witch I'd be up to my hips in gum balls. Every action misinterpreted. Always viewed with suspicion. Heck Sam even tried to kill me once when I was actually saving a teammate, just assumed I was doing bad"._

 _"And after"?_

 _"After is different. Being viewed a monster is much better then being a monster. After is realizing one day that you were once not a monster but don't know how to not be one any more. Are we done here"?_

 _"Yes, thank you Illyana"._

Illyana got up to leave but wandered over to Hank to look at the monitors. As she wandered over her finger tips slightly touched some of the gear.

 _"So what do all of the tests say"?_

 _"You are apparently you and quite good health at that. Illyana, all this talk about monsters is likely not good for you. Way too many people consider mutants monsters, no need to start thinking that way yourself"._

 _"Hank, my mutation is irrelevant to my comment. My comment is for all of you. Something I fear none of you really grasp. I'm a demon. I really am a monster. Some of you look monstrous, some of you are very scary people, some of you have done really bad things; but I'm really the scariest thing there is on this compound"._

 _"Do you really believe that"?_

 _"Hank do you really not believe that"?_

 _"I want to believe that you are not as you fear you are"._

 _"Well, that's two of us then"._

 **Part 10: Management meeting**

 _"... So her physiology is complex to put it mildly"_ Hank concluded his briefing.

The usual players were there. Kurt, Logan, Emma, Scott, and Hank. Sam, Roberto, and Peter were minding Illyana by the Koi pond. Currently Peter and Sam were with her while Roberto went off to get a bite to eat. So far Illyana had not eaten anything since her return, she had only been drinking liquids and ice cream shakes.

 _"The data about her mental state is very alarming"_ Emma stated.

 _"Yes"_ Hank answered. _"Her reaction to many of the mental and physiology tests are way off kilter, but don't fit any definite profile. Lots of overlaps with sociopathic behavior and extreme trauma at many levels. Yet there are also strong value judgment trends, value systems that are very good from our perspective, however those same value systems appear to be turned very strongly against herself. In short she hates herself"._

 _"And the little Megan episode"_ Scott wearily inquired.

 _"Did not help"_ both Kurt and Hank said at the same time.

 _"Peties quite pissed about that"_ Logan commented. _"Boy's only thinking with his heart, not his head. Not interested in thinking about anybody's perspective other then his own"._

 _"No, Peter's obsessions are quite obvious"._ Emma commented.

No conclusions were reached other then continue what was being done.

 **Part 11: Late Night Chat**

3:30am. It was cold and the night was clear. The air was crisp with only the slightest of gentle breezes blowing. Sam had just left to grab some shuteye, Roberto was due at 7am. Currently Peter and Logan were minding Illyana by the Koi pond. Well Logan was minding Illyana, Peter had fallen asleep and snoring on the bench.

Illyana lying down on the grass watching the stars, Logon was 180 degrees opposite lying down on the grass as well.

There had been silence for quite a while. Logan could tell Illyana was far from asleep. Her scents keep changing and he could still feel that she was screaming inside. Fear, anger, longing, regret, disgust, self loathing, and occasionally wonder. Currently it was wonder (which was a pleasant change).

 _"I missed the stars"_ Illyana stated. Starting the conversation Logan had been waiting for her to initiate.

 _"Limbo is either lit or darkness, depending on where you are. It's self enclosed. Finite yet vast. But quite lifeless in so many ways. Stars... stars remind me of... potential. That beauty still exists even for... for those who don't deserve it"._

Logan grumbled a reply _"Noticed you liked to sky watch late a night back at Xavier's, when everybody was asleep"._

 _"Yea. Sometimes I could hear you out in the woods, when you'd make some sounds to let me know that I was not alone"._

 _"People wanting privacy have a right to know when their not alone"._

 _"Thanks, but I didn't mind. When I wanted to be alone... well I had the means to make sure that I was really alone"._

 _"Is any of this helping"?_

 _"No. Well... maybe a little"._ Illyana watched a shooting star and made an inaudible wish.

 _"Are you ever going to go to sleep"?_

 _"Eventually, not tonight. Stars are... nice. Nice is new"._

 _"Wan'a talk about it"?_

Illyana didn't play dumb, not with Logan. She knew what he meant. _"No. Not now, maybe not ever. I feel... well apart from utter self disgust I don't really feel much at all. I'm... I'm broken Logan. And the longer I stay here the more it hurts. It's getting worse"._

 _"Petie loves you. You do know that"._ Stated of fact not a question.

 _"Yes. But that's already broken as well. He loves the me that he wishes to see. Not the me that stands before him. He loves what she... I was once. Not this broken soiled... thing that I am. His love hurts as well, just continually reminds me of what I've become. Something that he would never love if he but would see me as I am. I'm not her. Not as she was. Shards I hate myself so much Logan"._

 _"There are paths before you kid. Don't be hasty on picking one"._

Illyana had a silent plea that she so wished Logan would answer, that somebody would answer.

 _Please please tell me about Kitty. Please! Where is she? Why is she not here? She hates me doesn't she? That's why she's not here. She must have left because of me. I know she must hate me. How could she not? That's all that's left for me isn't it. Just the hate. That's why none of you talk about Kitty._

But she didn't give voice to it.

The two watched the stars until the sun rose and Peter awoke.


	4. Chapter 4

**Day 3**

 **Part 12: Impaled at Point Reyes**

 _"Ok, so not such a good idea"_ Berto cursed to himself.

Illyana was busy blowing chunks in the sand dunes. She was on her knees bent over and way past the point of having anything left to come up. She'd had the dry heaves for the last several minutes. Between the dry heaves she was alternating with crying and screaming. The three men, Berto, Sam and Peter could only stand by the car and helplessly wait.

The three had taken Illyana on drive and a hike. They had first driven to the town of Inverness (main gateway to Point Rayes) and had stopped for lunch at the Great Whale Pizza parlor as Berto had planned. Illyana had now not eaten for over two days and the smell of fresh pizza apparently worked its magic (Illyana had eaten half a pizza and Berto swore that she had drunk almost a liter of coke).

Sam was driving as Peter was beginning to get a bit punch drunk from lack of sleep. Illyana had also remained awake but she appeared to be just as functional as she was two days ago (which is not quite a complement). The drive was mostly silent with Illyana sitting in the front passenger seat staring out the windows of the Ford Explorer.

They had just passed the various maritime radio stations on the right side of the road and were in the dune fields when Sam had started talking about food. Sam was no foodie, but he did like good beer, good barbecue, good pizza and good food in general. Yes he thought of sushi as bait and French food as over prepared and silly; but he did know more about cooking then grunting and throwing random things at a grill.

It had been an innocent question. One that you would ask of anyone if they had been away for a long time in a strange land.

 _"Man that was good pizza. So Illyana, had any good eats lately"?_

It was a good question. Something to get a conversation started.

Illyana had just stared out the windshield at first. Then she started to answer the question.

 _"No. Can't really recall what I've been eating. I would grow hungry from time to time so I'd have the servants bring me something. Before that I was... I was_..."

Illyana went silent, suddenly her face paled and she started to sweat profusely.

 _"Oh gods. What was I eating? I was eating... Oh gods! Pull over. NOW! Pull over now!"_ was Illyana panicky cries.

Sam quickly stopped the car and Illyana frantically opened the door and ran off the road into the sand. She got maybe fifteen feet away before she fell to her knees and lost it. Lost everything she had just eaten in one giant almost unending spew.

Finally the dry heaves stopped and now it was just Illyana screaming on her knees.

Berto had an inkling on how this trip was going to end. With a flash Illyana was gone again.

The three men looked at each other. Sam summed it up eloquently. " _Well shit"._

 **Part 13: Yet another meeting**

Logan got straight to the point. _"We're not helping her. She's getting worse"._

Logan, Scott, Emma and Hank were sitting around a small conference table. Illyana was back at the pond staring at the fish and drinking black tea. Sam, Berto, and Peter had gotten back an hour ago. They had reported what happened and Peter had gone out to the pond to comfort her (which was manifestly not working).

Emma glanced at beast and he nodded his head. Emma started, _"It's not us. It's her. She's going... well"._

 _"Insane"?_ asked Scott.

 _"No"_ injected Hank. _"Just the reverse. She's both going sane and is in turmoil. It's not pretty"._

 _"You don't have to be telepath to figure out she's been doing horrible things and now she'd coming to grips with just what she's been doing"._ Emma finished Hank's and her joint conclusion.

Login analysis was spot on. _"Kids right on the edge. Going hysterical. Something's close to breaking. Kid needs what nobody here can give"._

 _"Which is?"_ Scott asked, he kind of knew but wanted others to also voice the conclusion without his opinion contaminating their conclusion.

 _"The ability to stop hating herself"_ was Hank's answer. Logan and Emma both nodded in agreement.

 _"And her brother is insufficient to..."_ began Scott.

 _"Yep"_ Logan cut off Scott's statement. _"The whole (I pretended I was dead and abandoned you to losing your mind and killing yourself but I'm sorry I did not know but I did have you back as a younger innocent version, who was not a evil demonic sorceress, that I loved oh so much before she died) speech appears to have isolated him just a little, heck more then a little. She hates herself. Going sane as it were is just giving her more reasons to hate herself"._

Scott tossed out a random idea. _"Sedative? Give her some breathing room"?_

Hank just shook his head. _"I was going to suggest it but the latest lab tests on her blood show a sudden and frankly alarming ability to neutralize all foreign drug compounds. It wasn't there before but showed up after Pixie's little panic attack. I think she's actively defending herself against another episode and whatever spell she's using is very paranoid as it were"._

 _"Paranoid? How?"_ inquired Emma.

 _"At one point I mixed some of her blood in a flask of pure alcohol and got a vigorous endothermic reaction. In short it burned, violently. Sedation is out for now I suspect"._

 _"Damn, I wish Kitty was here"_ Scott griped.

 _"General yes and a possible no"_ was Emma's answer.

Logan gave Emma an angry glance and was about it rebut the statement when the reason for Emma's statement became clear to him. _"Shit. Girls barely holding it together. Rejection by Kitty would push her right over the edge into... into... into something I really don't want to think about"._

The meeting had rather ground to a halt with no conclusion. Suddenly Logan had an idea. " _Anybody know where Lockheed is? I know it sounds trite but Illyana and Lockheed were real close"._

 _"No"_ was Emma's reply. _"He vanished when Kitty was lost"._

 **Part 14: Cuckoos**

Some minds telepaths don't touch. The minds of insane telepaths are high on the list and make up most of the recommended no go areas. Non telepathic minds are rarely uber dangerous. Feral people are scary and many of them are functioning with impaired mental states so telepaths find such minds... difficult due to the ferocity and violence. Highly evil minds are also difficult in that immersion in such vileness is not good.

Rare is the non telepathic mind that can ignore control of a telepath's intent upon entry of their mindscape. Entry into such a mind is terrifying to a telepath because instead of being a conductor and overseer of the mindscape they find themselves swept along by the mindscape; reduced to being a passenger instead of a driver. Not only are they powerless to change what is occurring, they almost always become trapped in the mindscape as well. Such mindscapes are rarely nice places.

Think of a house made and furnished in glass; broken glass. Everything cuts. Everything can hurt you. Any movement results in pain and blood. If you enter such a mindscape you don't find yourselves at the front door, no it's not that easy. You find yourselves deep within the house. A house that has things living in it that don't like you. You will move regardless of your intent when the things find you. You will move if you ever want to find a way out, assuming there is a way out.

The glass does not transform. The glass does not listen. The telepath is powerless to manipulate or relocate within the mindscape. All they can do is move. Movement means pain. Too much movement equals too much pain. Such minds can shred a telepath and not even notice. If the broken glass analogy doesn't do it for you then think knives, razor blades, fire, spiders, heck kittens if that's your ultra phobia.

Illyana's mind is one of those minds. Not by her choice and not necessarily a condition she actually recognized. This was not about her ability to block telepaths. This was about what had been done to her. Her mind driven insane with the intent to destroy her, plus that whole she's now a demon and has no soul. She had survived, but imagine the person that can live in a house of broken glass. Imagine the person that has been shaped by such a house. If feeling equals movement then they would learn not to feel very quickly.

Illyana slept, for the first time since leaving Limbo, on the third night of her being at the X-Base. Her dreams were very troubled.

The Cuckoos had been watching Illyana telepathically. Her mind block was just as effective against them as any other telepath. But now Illyana was asleep. Time to try a trick they had thought of.

The Cuckoos mentally shifted into Illyanas mind block, the inevitable fog of grey with the inability to determine scale defeating them; as it did all telepaths. Then they did something other telepaths could not do. Each of the girls, while still linked in their hive mind, started to move in different directions. One left, one right, one up. In short triangulation. Multiple telepaths could not do this because you really needed a hive mind; individuality and conceits like privacy cause the telepathic unity to breakdown. Too much noise on the line as it were; but if you had a true hive mind, well then it just might work.

It did. The location of Illyana's mind was revealed. To say that the girls were rather smugly proud of themselves would be an understatement. The three nodes of the hive mind quickly conversed.

 _"Shall we take a quick look? Let's. Emma/Frost/Momma said not to. This was easy. It was. There might be danger. Might. Oh lets see. Nice to show that we can do things better. Let's. Yes let's. Agreed, let's"._

The girls took a look. The triangulation showed where the mind was but not the mindscape. To enter they needed to relocate their minds as it were to the same place as the mindscape without first being able to see what was going on in the mindscape. They did. Teleporters call this a blind jump. It's dangerous if you don't know what you're doing. It can be bad if the location is not friendly.

They didn't know what they were doing and the destination was not friendly.

Screams.

Pain.

Suffering.

The girls found themselves bound to a pillar.

A demon, or was it a man, was hurting them.

Screaming, he was screaming at them as he hurt them.

 **NOT HER, YOU ARE NOT HER. NOT HER...**

They tried to leave the mindscape.

Nothing, they remained where they were, where they had entered the mindscape.

The demon/man started to do... things to them.

Bad things.

They commanded the mindscape to change.

The mindscape did not hear them.

The mindscape did not even know they were there.

The mindscape was too busy screaming, just like them.

The girls did what most children would do. They started crying for their mother.

The mindscape paused, the demon/man frozen, a single word echoed.

 _"Mother"?_

Then another though.

 _"I have no mother. I cried out for my brother but nobody came"._

Suddenly Illyana's mindscape shifted. The demon/man was gone, so was the pillar. Just a stone floor with four kittens. Three were mewing in hysteria; the fourth kitten was looking at the other three. The three kittens were hurt, the forth... well the forth looked... horrible. It was burned, disfigured, bleeding all over and cut open; it looked at the other kitten with the one eye that remained.

 _ **"GET OUT".**_ The thought was a command. The three kittens vanished and the forth transformed into... into something that wished she had a mother to go cry to. Someone who could make her hurt go away.

Illyana awaked to convolutions for the first time in months and a massive headache.

 **Part 15: HACK THE SYSTEM**

An hour later.

2:49am. Time to learn the truth.

By not talking about Kitty, by not answering her unasked but obvious question as to where was Kitty, Illyana know that something bad had to have happened. Illyana had endured the last few days of pain, violence, and regrets all while waiting, hoping that Kitty was going to walk in any minute, but losing hope as the hours passed. Hope that hat turned into the belief that Kitty had to now hate her.

The Cuckoos had pushed her over the edge.

 **Enough**.

She could feel a panic attack lurking in the corners of her mind. She needed answers.

Illyana stood before one the PCs in Hank's lab. Everything in the lab was enchanted by now. Hank was not the only one who was busy every time she visited his lab. Technical hacking was not Illyana's area of expertise. But Kitty and Illyana had once played a game of how to use magic to replicate hacking skills. Keystroke logger virus? Easy, just have the keyboard remember the keystrokes. Same for any biometric scanning such as finger prints, retina, and the like. It had been a fun game that they'd never told anybody about.

Time to see if Schrödinger's cat was hungry or fly food. A joke Kitty like to say but one that Illyana never really understood, no matter how many times Kitty explained it. Something to do with removing uncertainty about the future.

Illyana was brief and to the point. _"Computatrum propter hank"._ Hanks computer desktop appeared as the Top Gear screen saver vanished.

Now things got a bit more complicated. How to search a system that she had no idea how to use? Again magic was the answer. A rather complicated spell that issued an intelligent query into the various data applications and file systems. Kitty had helped put it together with Illyana years ago (Kitty had been trying to crack the computer security of Doug's private files). It specified file types and data base structures. It was a rather disturbing collection of python software mixed with arcane symbols and SQL. They had named it IMP (Improper Mutant Penetrator) in a fit of giggles. It really was a good penetration and data access virus, one that Shield would wet themselves over if they were to ever find out about it; but Kitty and Illyana had forgotten about it after they had hacked Doug's embarrassedly bad poetry files.

 _"Ostende mihi Pryde"_

It worked fast. Brought up relevant documents and folders (here's a hint kids. Don't use the root account as your normal login. Hank really should know better). The word document Kathryn_ in the personnel directory looked like a good hit. Illyana opened the document.

Bingo.

Illyana quickly scanned the document and then stopped half way down the first page. The line marked Status.

Status: **Deceased**. Believed to have died entombed in the Breakworld Bullet while saving the earth. The Bullet has no life-support systems, food, or water. All calculations show she could have only lived for two days max. Our inability to locate the bullet after it passed though the earth makes this almost a certainty.

Illyana went numb. A soft _"no"_ escaped her lips as her suppressed panic surged . A mental recollection of Kitty giggling and announcing that Schrödinger was going to need a new pet. She had laughed then, not now. Now was panic, a very bad panic attack. Her headache went into migraine mode. Hank would have freaked out if he could have seen what brain monitor would show at this point.

She quickly scanned the dates. Shards it was months ago. While Illyana had been rampaging all over Limbo looking for her soul, so she could find the courage to face Peter and Kitty again, Kitty had died.

 **Died**.

Died in a way that Illyana could have prevented, but she had been too busy, too scared.

Illyana felt a wail growing in the back of her throat as she franticly thought, _"No no no_ _ **NO**_ _! This is not happening. Not happening"._ Illyana clenched her jaw shut to stop the screams.

 _"Wait, believed dead, not dead. They couldn't find her. Lost. But I can find her, go to the moment in time after the bullet passed thought the earth"._

Illyana grasped this sliver of hope, it pushed back the panic attack. " _I can make a right choice. Do the right thing for once"._

Hope blossomed.

Illyana vanished in a burst of light only to reappear immediately, a look of confusion on her face.

Blocked.

She tried again and again returned immediately.

Not just blocked. Forbidden.

Illyana summoned a light disk in front of her and examined it (as only a mage knows how).

It was Paradox.

Any travel before the time she regained her soul sword was apparently considered paradox. Illyana started cursing. Paradox was forbidden to demons and devils.

An easy explanation, which is not quite correct but sums it up quite nicely, would be to say that paradox was greatly frowned upon by the universal bookkeeper, lots and lots of extra paperwork. People sometimes get to skirt the rule, but not demons and devils; they had abused the rules too many times and pissed off the great accountant in the sky. The resulting administrative ruling, no paradoxes for demons or devils; no exceptions.

Illyana's cursing gave way to screams and tears. A flood of tears, but not just grief, more rage at herself as well. Again she failed. Again she picked wrong. Again!

Illyana had been on the edge the last few days. Now this.

Panic, hysteria, and rage took over.

 **No.**

I **refuse** to accept this.

I **choose** to find a way.

 **Part 16: Schrödinger's Kitty**

A large mass of metal for grounding? The Golden Gate Bridge should nicely suffice.

Illyana stood on the top the main cross beam that connected the two sides of the north tower. A mild rain squall was blustery blowing scattered rain about. Off in the distance the city lights could be occasionally seen peeking out of the fog.

Illyana spoke to herself as she prepared for what she was going to attempt. _"Calm, be calm"_. She was not calm, she was trying to not have hysterics. _"Fuck it. I am not calm. I am going to do this"._

Illyana was terrified. Of what she was about to attempt. Of the possibility of failure. Of what failure would mean for Kitty. Of what failure would mean for herself.

Illyana gathered her power, her focus. A teleportation light circle appeared beneath her but she went nowhere. That was not the plan. She stood within the circle, the disk provided the means to move to a place in the past where Kitty was, to a place she could be saved by Illyana. All that was needed was sufficient power to force past the barrier of Paradox. Paradoxes existed, they just took effort. Lots and lots of effort. In theory a demon was forbidden to create a paradox, but if sufficient power was gathered... well Illyana was going to try to break that rule.

Below her one of these boom cars was in the southbound lane. You know the car type, the one that has a stereo system capable of annoying folks eleven blocks away. The car was playing Bring me to life by Evanescence as it passed underneath the north tower. Somehow the song was appropriate for what was about to be attempted.

...

Wake me up inside  
(I can't wake up)  
Wake me up inside  
(Save me)  
Call my name and save me from the dark  
(Wake me up)  
Bid my blood to run  
(I can't wake up)  
Before I come undone  
(Save me)  
Save me from the nothing I've become

...

Illyana chanted an invocation, or was it a prayer, as the power grew.

Let me save her (so I can be better then I am)

Let me save her (so she can save me)

Let me save her (so I can find a way out of the darkness)

Let me save her (because I love her)

Let me save her (because I want to be not as I am)

Let me save her (because I so hate what I've become)

Let me save her (because I hate the horrors that I've done)

Let me save her (so she can save me from the nothing I've become)

Please, please let me do a good thing for once

It began to rain harder and flashing lightning illuminated the sky. Illyana pushed power into the light circle, attempting to force a transfer to the desired point in time. Random bursts of stray power flashed from Illyana only to be grounded by the Bridge's mass of iron. Lightning joined the party, attracted by the accumulation of power.

No go, the barrier would not yield.

Illyana was at the max power she should could safety handle as the power was not going anywhere. It was just accumulating in the light circle. Illyana's suppressed hysterics broke free and took over, with a screaming tearful _**"NO"**_ she manifested her soul sword and drove it into the light circle while abandoning all attempts to shielding herself from what she was doing.

All that she had, all that she could do flowed down into the circle. Nothing held back. No protections if the spell failed.

Screaming about what she had become.

Screaming about what she had done.

Screaming about what she had lost.

Screaming about what had been done to her.

Screaming in grief over Kitty.

In the end just screaming.

 **Part 17: Cold light of reason**

The rules held. Paradox by demons was forbidden. The power flashed out of the circle like a colossal short circuit with Illyana as the fuse. A massive flash of light enveloped the top of the north tower.

The rain tampered off to just a medium drizzle and the lighting stopped. The top of the North tower was now mostly bare metal, the paint having been burnt off by the savage lightning and magic discharges. Parts of the tower are scorched, but the cables that held up the bridge were still safe. The massive metal spire had done its purpose and had grounded all the energy being haphazardly thrown off by the enchantments.

Illyana was sprawled on the top of the main cross beam that connected the two sides of the north tower. The rain gently falling on her upturned face, replacing the tears she no longer shed. The metal upon which she lay sizzled, and pinged as it cooled, from the rain and the moisture dripping off her body; yet she suffered no harm from the heat radiating from the bridge structure.

Illyana stirred after a time and pushed herself to a sitting position. She coldly examined her surroundings and her failure. She then shakenly got to her feet.

 _"So the answer was no"._

Illyana groped for the emotions that had driven her, but found a curious numbness instead. Something was wrong, well it had been wrong before but now it was more wrong. If a telepath has been in her mental house of broken glass (to continue the analogy) they would now find that some hereto hidden rooms were now open, exposed, and in utter ruin. They would see the rooms trashed and burned and hear the additional tinkling sound of cooling broken glass. There would also be bodies in these no longer hidden rooms that had been alive but moments before. Things that had somehow survived the holocaust that had been unleashed upon her mind by Belasco.

Things now dead.

Illyana contemplated her situation. The world was now more stark, the decisions more obvious.

 _"This is futile. Paradox is forbidden to one such as I. So long as I remain soulless, a demon, I am bound by the rules for such entities. Kitty is lost to me, along with everything else I once was. To escape this I need my soul back"._

She looked upon the city lights, now emerging from the fog and the low hanging clouds and spoke bitter words, her face wet with rain but not tears _"Not for me, never for me. I am not her"._ A thought appeared to faintly echo in her head, _**NOT HER**_ **.**

Illyana vanished with a burst of light, leaving the bridge top deserted. The only sound the fading sizzle of rain as the heat dissipated.


	5. Chapter 5

**Part 18: Epilogue 1**

Channel 5 morning news at 10.

The Golden Gate bridge has just reopened for traffic. CalTrans inspections have deemed the bridge safe for use. The freak lightning storm that closed the Golden Gate last night apparently cause significant cosmetic damage to the top of the north tower but did no structural harm.

Traffic was backed up for miles as all traffic was routed from the 101 to the 580 San Rafael Bridge. Kevin Morten is on location at...

 **Part 18: Epilogue 2**

Note found taped to Peter's door that morning:

 **Goodbye.**

 **I have things I must do and I can no longer remain here.**

 **I will return once they are done.**

 **Thank you for your love. It means more then I can express, more then I am able to express.**

 **Part 18: Epilogue 3**

Where did all the energy go? Somewhere and somewhen a crack oh so briefly happened in the confinement of the Elder Gods. They could not escape but two things did. Witchfire was free but found herself missing the Beatrix Medallion, and most of her abilities as a result. The Beatrix Medallion also escaped, scattered somewhere and somewhen in space and time.

The nature of the Beatrix Medallion meant that it was completely untraceable by any means. It could only be found, never located.

Paradox averted. Future actions set in motion.

But that's another story.

 **Part 18: Epilogue 4 (after the re-launch of the New Mutants)**

Hank, Emma, Scott, and Logon were in a conference room. Hank was speaking.

 _"Well, her medical readings and physiological profile are all rock steady. Heck almost flat line on the stress measurements. The imminent emotional meltdown of a few days ago appears to be gone as if it never was. The brain scans are no longer a sea of red, although the patterns are still not baseline human norms. However her emotional responses are now very minimal on the brain scans; it's like her emotional centers are atrophied or damaged"._

Login had a look of tired disgust on his face, _"That's because we're too late Hank. From what I can smell that meltdown, if it happened, happened years ago for her. We've lost the chance to help her grow into something other then what she was. She's acclimated all right, but as something I don't think is very nice"._

Hank agreed _"Something I fear is quite true based upon my dialogs with her. Before I saw a scary young woman who was filled with fears over her actions and what she was capable of, now I see just a scary young woman"._

Emma asked the question that needed to be asked _"So, do we let her stay"?_

Scott answered _"Do we have much of a choice"?_

Logan got up to leave _"We always have a choice Bub, which is more then I think she may have had for much of what's happened to her. Still need to give her a chance to be better then she is. My vote is yes"._

Hank got up to leave as well _"I vote yes as well"._

Emma coolly gave her answer _"I vote no for the record. She's a danger"._

Scott _"Yes, but I want her under consoling three times a week with you Hank and once a month with Emma"._

Emma sarcastically stated, again for the record.

 _"Well then I guess it's welcome to the X-Men Magik, I hope we survive the experience"._


End file.
